Now that The Golf Channel is televising post-round press conferences at golf’s four major championships, we gained a clear view of how brutal it can be to be a professional athlete-gentleman surrounded by inquisitive media pitbulls. Some of the dumb questions Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, David Duvall and others had to endure to justify their rounds made me wonder what would happen if we flip-flopped the press conference format and had a room full of snarky pro golfers interviewing a wiped out sportswriter after a bad day at the keyboard.

Hold on, this just in from Tulsa on the mojo: The transcript of Sunday’s interview with Horace "Hack" Higgins after his terrible third round coverage of the 101st U.S. Open in Canada Today, the nation’s largest and most influential daily newspaper.

Golfer #1: "Hack, every golfer in the field predicted you would write the best copy about yesterday’s round yet your first sentence in this morning’s story was ‘Goosen golfin’ good.’ How do you explain such a poor opening after winning Pebble Beach last year by 15 paragraphs?"

Hack: "My nose for news got plugged. I got off to a bad start and things got worse after that. This hot Oklahoma air is tough on me. I’m from Whistler. I need the sweet scent of pineapples blowing in off the Pacific, with a little Woodfibre thrown in, to write well. All I can smell around here is cologne, cow (manure) and oil wells. It’s tough."

Golfer #2: "Makes scents. Hack, you’ve got 27 journalism awards according to the Writers Bio yet none of them are Pullitzers, Pushitzers, Zambonis or Golden Quills. How does it feel to be the greatest writer never to win a major?"

Hack: "Awful but I’m glad you asked on national television in front of all my friends and relatives. I’m only 54. Most of those awards came in my 30’s and 40’s when I wasn’t really trying. They say a writer’s serious thoughts don’t come until after 50."

Golfer #3: "Who says that?"

Hack: "Old writers."

Golfer #4: "Hacker, we found seven dangling participles in your story yesterday (bogeys) and four sentences that ended with a preposition (double-bogeys). How do you explain that kind of work with multi-racial people of many nations waiting breathlessly for you to write like you did last year at Pebble Beach?"

Hack: "The press room set-up by the USGA is too tough. There’s nothing on the buffet table but hardtack rolls, prune juice and decaf coffee. Hemingway himself couldn’t crank out good copy on decaf coffee. Hell, it’s the caffeine that makes you want to write. The only media in a comfort zone around here are the photographers from Fitness World."

Golfer #5: "Hack, admit it, you stunk the joint out this morning. What are you going to do tonight to turn it around for tomorrow’s story?"

Hack: "Go back to the basics. I’ll sleep with my Style Guide tonight, have a couple gallons of real coffee at the hotel in the morning and keep thinking "NVA" during my practice paragraph before getting started…"

Golfer #6: "North Vietnamese Army? We all know you’re a spaced out Viet Nam vet, Hack, but isn’t it about time to let go of that war?"

Hack: " Noun. Verb. Adjective, moron. It’s like you guys with the stiff left arm and pointing the V’s at your shoulders. Start with a noun down the middle of the fairway, add a verb to get on the green and slam a big adjective right into the hole."

Golfer #7: "Hack, you’ve been known to write 250 word sentences with perfect grammar and a hard-hitting style but today none of your sentences were over seven words and your style is getting soft. What happened to the Ol’ Hack we all knew and hated?"

Hack: "I forgot to renew my Liagra prescription, Literary Viagra, before I left Whistler. I couldn’t write a 250 word sentence in Oklahoma if you offered me half of Tulsa. Anybody got any spare beta blockers they don’t need?"

Golfer #8: "Speaking of drugs, Hack, we hear the Journaliste Organizionale du Technique (JOT), the international governing body of sportswriting, is bringing in mandatory drug, alchohol and morals testing to the tour next year. How does this make you feel?"

Hack: "Nervous."

Golfer #9: "Can you elaborate on that, Hack?"

Hack: "Very, very nervous, especially this close to Texas. Where’s Bush?"

Golfer #10: "Hack, everyone is wondering what age Tiger should get married. What’s your take on that since you can’t write anymore?"

Hack: "Ninety-two but only if she’s got more money than him."

Golfer #11: "Can we expect a better story out of you tomorrow, Hack?"

Hack: "If the Liagra kicks in, the wind shifts and someone spikes the decaf, you may expect a masterpiece."

Golfer #12: "Thank you, Mr. Higgins."

Hack: "You’re quite welcome, son, and goodnight to all of you millionaire golf pros."

Original Publication - The Whistler Question