By Doug Sack

George McConkey, of Whistler and Big Sky, won the fourth annual Rancho Relaxo "Mystery Skins" game held last week conducted on a secret and private golf course located somewhere on a hillside above a lake with no road access but within two hours of Whistler. McConkey won the coveted title in a playoff with an unsuspecting member of the Whistler sports media who was taken to the secret location blindfolded in a speedboat piloted by a former World Cup downhill ski racer who doesn’t want his fans to know he has taken up golf in his old age. In fact, there were two boats involved in the abduction, the second driven by former Whistler plumber and sawmiller, Roger Moxley, who was involved in the plot from the very beginning, despite repeated denials, because he was the only one who knew the secret location of Rancho Relaxo G&CC, a 27-hole wiffle-ball layout located in the backyard of a retired former Whistler golf professional who wishes to remain nameless, blameless and homeless for the purposes of this article.

In retrospect, the journalist should have put two and two together on the Tuesday afternoon boat ride but didn’t until after the boat docked near the remote golf course. There, waiting on the dock with some in the hot tub and some relaxing in lawn chairs in the sun, he found Whistler’s infamous "Tuesday Boys" gathered and prepared to play serious golf for serious money. Included among them were former Pemberton Valley head pro Scott Ainscough, Dave Demers, Jeff Coombs, Johnny Oliver, some lawyer from Calgary and, of course, McConkey, one of the founders of the "Tuesday Boys" who have been playing golf on every Tuesday, summer or winter, since the founding of Whistler back in the 1860’s.

The host pro, who we shall call "Jack Palmer" here, grew weary of Whistler’s resort-golf scene but still carries a deep love for the game so he went about the labourious task of creating first nine but now 27 holes of exquisite golf shots through what is otherwise nearly impenetrable bush. The holes range from 15 to 30 yards long and many holes require nearly a full swing with a short iron although low punch-shots seemed to work best with the light wiffle-ball which over-responds to the wind.

The holes are tiny yet beautiful in their own way with miniature sandtraps and dramatic elevation changes. "We call it Lilliputian golf," said Palmer making a rare literary reference, "but it’s no different than real golf, especially when you play Skins. You still have to make a good swing and get the ball on the green."

Because the miniature greens are sand, there is no putting. "I always hated the putting part of golf anyway," said Palmer with a satisfied smile, "and I don’t miss it at all."

Asked how long this has been going on, Ainscough replied, "Oh, we’ve been coming here every year since Jack opened, always on the last Tuesday before Thanksgiving. I guess it’s become sort of a religious thing and a way to show our thanks to the golf gods for giving us a good season." Asked why he never told The Question about it before, Ainscough said: "Think about it. You’re media and Jack Palmer wants to keep this place a secret. That’s why we enlisted a shady character like Mox to bring you here with your eyes blinded. You don’t know where you are, right?"

Well, no, somewhere in the Lower Mainland not far from the ocean. I know that because a seagull just flew over. "That’s a raven we painted white to fool you. We just want your money. We don’t want you to come back all the time or tell people where it is in a news story."

Ah, the same old yarn. The Wedge has played many times with the Infamous Tuesday Boys over the years and has never won a penny on a full-length course but they made a big mistake this time because this old hacker grew up hitting wiffle balls and knows their secret: Overplay the wind because the balls are so lightweight a distant bear-fart can blow them off-line. Tee ‘em up, Mr. Golden Pear. Pitter patter, let’s get at ‘er.

Your agent won the first hole on his first swing and was in or near the lead all day winding up tied at the end with McConkey with five Skins each in the intense tensome. On the first playoff hole, McConk hit one stiff and won the 2001 Rancho Relaxo, his first major.

And the vanquished journalist was again blindfolded and tied up for the long boat ride back to civilization with nothing to do but count Ainscough’s money all the way back to dry land.

Original Publication - F/Question 10-11-01 -